Unmask Your Communication

Someone has said something that has hurt you and you are angry. You see the person at an event and they sense there is a problem. Why is it then, when the person, asks you if there is a problem and you respond, “No.” How do they know you are upset … they know because it comes out of every pore of your being. Not only through your body language, but it affects your tone of voice, and that is probably what the other person is picking up on. When you say there is not a problem nothing can be resolved, and your relationship will probably be affected moving forward. The truth is you become part of the problem.

The problem even worsens when you choose to talk to someone else about the issue. You are upset and may end up discussing your difficult person. Gossiping and ignoring the issue only make things worse. If you have been hurt by someone and he or she has approached you, give it a second chance and approach them and let them know you were not being totally honest when you said there was no issue.

Here are some ways to deal with the problem:

An important first step is to get in touch with your emotions regarding the situation. Think of what happened in a non-judgmental way such as what words did the person say or what action the person did. Look at the situation to try to understand your role. If you are upset over something someone said or did it is not their actions that upset, you. Instead it is the story you told yourself about what happened. Think about what he or she said or did, then think of how it made you feel. Consider what was going on in your head when this occurred because that is what upset you or pushed your buttons. It may not even be the actions of this situation, but the fact that the same thing is happening again which upset you.

If these situations occur a lot with this person, it is still important to unmask your communication and let the person know how you are feeling. First find a private location to speak with them and ask them if they would be willing to sit down for a few moments.  Instead of saying, “You were rude,” or “You made me look bad,” spell it out in terms which are not as offensive. You could say, “In the meeting, I tried to speak 3 times and every time you held your hand up, shook your head and when I finally told the group my idea, you said it was stupid.” By spelling out what the individual said and did, there is less chance of them getting defensive. Watch your tone of voice because your emotions can come out in your tone.

Next let them know the effect of their actions.  You could say, “When you said my idea was stupid, I felt frustrated and put down and sensed you were being condescending.” Then tell them what you would like them to do.  “The next time I start to tell the group my idea, I would like you to listen to it before making a comment.” Your response also needs to take into consideration to whom you are speaking and is the person open to it. If it is a co-worker, you would phrase it differently than someone who reports to you. And if it is your boss, make sure he or she is willing to listen, and you are not putting yourself in a difficult position. Often, however, even the most difficult of bosses may respect you for speaking your mind in a respectful manner.

It is important to put words to your feelings because it will influence your relationships with others. Whatever happens, try something different if how you currently respond is not working, because if nothing changes…nothing changes.