If You Don’t Talk It Out, Will You Act It Out?  

Often, people choose not to talk about their feelings but then tend to act them out in the future. Unfortunately, when a person chooses not to discuss their feelings, nothing is resolved, and they stuff their feelings. Inevitably, this impacts the relationship they have with the other individual.   

Research shows that many physical disorders, such as ulcers, depression, and anxiety, are caused by unspoken anger. As a result, people often use a range of other maladaptive behaviors to deal with their feelings. All of which are counterproductive.  

There are many reasons a person chooses not to talk about their feelings, but none make for the best outcome. Here are some of those reasons.  

Fear of Conflict: Were you raised to believe that conflict is bad and that people in good relationships do not have conflict? Conflict in and of itself is not bad. It’s how you deal with conflict that makes it productive or non-productive.  

Fear of Rejection: People often fear rejection, so they stuff their feelings. This can affect your health as well as your relationships. You may have been raised in a family that did not speak about feelings and punished those who did. You end up putting up with abusive behavior because you fear being alone.  

Low Self-Esteem: You do not feel entitled to ask for what you need. You may also be a people-pleaser who always puts the needs of others before your own.  

All of these reasons do nothing to resolve conflict. Sometimes, individuals who cannot talk about their feelings end up acting them out by being passive-aggressive.  

To talk it out, follow these steps:  

1. Take time to identify what you are feeling. If you have stuffed feelings for a while, this may be difficult. See if you can find one or two words to describe them.  

2. Identify what pushes your buttons and why. When something occurs, we tell ourselves a story about what happened, and that is what pushes our buttons.  

3. Decide to approach the other person and determine a good time and location.  

4. If they are willing to sit down and discuss it with you, take responsibility for your feelings and speak to them using “I language.” Also, emotions come out in your tone of voice, so make sure to speak in a respectful tone.  

5. Finally, do not expect an outcome or another person to feel the same way you do.  

Regardless, speaking about your feelings can bring stress relief. If you are new to this, start with something small. With practice, you can learn to speak about your feelings in a manner that benefits both you and the person you are speaking with.