How Not What!

Someone annoys you and you want to try to improve your relationship because it is affecting your ability to work together. You approach the individual and they get defensive and the conversation ends. What happened and where do you go from here? The truth is it was probably HOW you approached the individual, not WHAT you said to them. Let’s look at what goes into the meaning of a message, and more importantly what you can change.

The first thing to consider is location…where are you going to speak to the individual. If the relationship is rocky, then you want a neutral, confidential spot. Do not walk up to them in a hallway or with other people around. Secondly, what tone did your conversation take on? At tone of voice, people determine whether you are for or against them. Sometimes these conversations are emotional and that can influence your tone of voice. Be aware of how you sound when you speak.

Next, talk about the effect things have on you by using “I language,” The minute you say “You made me…” the person’s defenses go up. Approach the discussion by saying I felt ______________ when you ____________ and I would like you to _____________. You may also want to start the conversation by asking their perception of the situation and then just listen. The key is both parties need to listen to one another and then be open to looking at their role in the conflict and become accountable for it. If you are in the wrong, you should apologize and let them know what you will do in the future so it does not happen again.

One thought on “How Not What!

  1. I sent this article on the my dept. as a reminder of the importance of a good approach when dealing with co-workers and customers.
    I am also hanging it up on my board as a daily reminder.

    thanks for putting out this newsletter. I always get something new out of it as well as reminders of things we should know but tend to forget in the daily rush of life.

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