More Building Blocks to Transformation 

Transforming relationships starts with building trust. Imagine this scenario: You have decided to make some changes in your approach and the way you choose to interact with others. You don’t mention this to anyone—you just start behaving differently. What do you think the other person might think? 

I often use this example when teaching communication. Say you are out with a dear friend you have been close to for years. How might you respond if that close friend said something a little snarky to you? In most cases, members of the seminar would say, “What is going on with them? That is so unlike them. I think I should check in to see how they are doing and if something is wrong.” Then, I ask them, “Let’s imagine you are interacting with someone you don’t like or trust. They give you a compliment.” Most times, I see a lot of smiles and comments like, “I will wait for the other shoe to drop,” or “I wonder what they want!” 

Whenever you are in a relationship with another person, you bring to the next interaction every experience you have had with them up to that point. If nothing tells you that things have changed, you will see them in the same light, and it will influence how you interact and communicate. The same goes for you. If you don’t let people know you are attempting to make changes, they will filter your actions through their previous perception of you. 

For that reason, you need to create a safe space with the people you associate with. You need to cultivate an environment where people feel safe to communicate openly and honestly. To do this, let them know simply that you are working on your approach. You can say, “I have noticed that my tone is a little harsh when I am stressed, so I am working on my approach. I am open to your feedback if you see me slipping back into old habits.” 

That is where building trust comes in. People may not believe you if you have behaved in a particular manner for a long time. To help them begin to trust you, act in a way that demonstrates real change. Then, when the first person is brave enough to give you feedback, do NOT get defensive or justify. Thank them for caring enough to let you know. What they are sharing is their perception, so help them feel heard and seen by listening to them. File it with other feedback you receive, and often you will see common threads emerge. That will give you useful information about others’ perception of you and how you interact.