Don’t Divorce… Communicate!!

Sadly, there have been numerous articles on an increase in divorce rates that will occur due to Covid-19. One stated that “Manhattan Attorneys have reported a 50% increase in inquiries from spouses seeking representation in potential divorce cases since government-ordered lockdowns and shelter-in-place orders.”  That tells me two things …. First this is not something that started with a couple a few weeks ago and now, more than ever meaningful communication needs to take place between individuals. Trust me, I am not judging you if you find yourself in this position because there was a time in my life which that would have been the story between my husband and I. Gratefully, we learned how to change the way in which we communicated and it has resulted in many happy years of marriage. Just yesterday, I told him how much I am enjoying our time together.

So, what changed for us? Years ago, there was a great deal of finger pointing between us, and our interactions were one of blame and sparing. We would argue over money, the kids or what the other was NOT doing. What changed was two-fold. First, we both were willing to change, and we discovered the answer was to look in the mirror. We learned to take our power back by choosing not to react and started listening to each other. I mean listen to understand, not just listen to respond. If you are mad because of clothes being left on the floor, the argument is not about the clothes, it is about how you feel when a person does not hear what you need. We both took ownership in our role of the breakdowns. When we listened to each other we tried to really understand what the other person was feeling. This was not easy work, but utterly worth it!

Now, more than ever people need support and meaningful communication. Not only do you need to set aside some time, it is important to minimize distractions. Frame the conversation in a way that encourages the other to want to join. You can say, “As a way to reduce anxiety during this stressful time I have some ideas how we can reduce the level of tension.” Ask if they would be willing to discuss it with you. Not only are your words important, but your tone is essential because at tone someone determines whether you are for or against them. Ironically, emotions can change the tone of your voice, so you need to focus on how you come across.

As with any challenge, emotions often run high and each relationship needs a hero. Instead of reacting to what your partner says, get curious and ask them to tell you more. Often the topic of conversations is not the real issue which is buried below. Unless the other person believes you understand how something made you feel, you will not be able to progress. Avoid criticizing your partner and focus only on behaviors you would like them to change. If you say, “You are selfish when you …” he or she will most likely not hear anything past selfish. Do not interrupt but ask questions for clarity if needed once they are done speaking. Many arguments are a result of misinterpretation of intent. When people are given the opportunity to voice what they are feeling, anger often is reduced, and progress can be made. Find things to be grateful for in the other and let them know.  Approaching your relationship in a healthy manner can create greater feelings of closeness, and avoid disastrous outcomes.